Table For One

by Linda Carson

from Mr. Right & Other Stories

copyright Linda Carson 1989

                       Table For One

     (LIGHTS UP ON RUTH WAITING TO BE SEATED AT A
RESTAURANT.)

Ruth:     Table for one, please. Non-smoking.

     Certainly. (SITS DOWN. WAITS.)

     No, for one. Non-smoking.

     (WATCHES ANOTHER PARTY PASS HER TO BE SEATED.)

     Excuse me. How long can I expect to wait to be seated?

     But you just seated that family.

     Four. Yes, I saw that. No, I don't want a table in
     smoking -- I prefer not to take chances on confusing the
     side plates and the ashtrays. (ANOTHER COUPLE IS SEATED.)
     What I'd like is a table for one non-smoker, sometime in the
     current fiscal year.

     Don't ignore me.

     Clearly, sir, you have no idea what kind of woman
     you're dealing with. I am a woman who gets all her change
     from taxi drivers before she tips. I am a woman who hangs up
     on telephone solicitations. I don't read bestsellers as a
     matter of principle and I once unplugged a jukebox when a
     boy punched up two dollars worth of Twisted Sister.

     In short, I am a woman who is not afraid to make a
     scene.

     I am prepared to wait pleasantly and patiently for up
     to fifteen minutes for a table. Then I am going to make a
     scene.

     I will raise my voice, gesture a lot and cause a small
     but dramatic amount of property damage. I'll finish by
     flinging insults at your chef, in his native language,
     before I leave to blackball you with all of my professional
     associates and make anonymous phone calls to the board of
     health.

     Now I'd like a table for one, please, non-smoking.

     Thank you.

     (LIGHTS DOWN.)