The Phone Sex Sketch
by Linda Carson
from Alexander Graham Bell, I Want To Have Your Love Child
copyright Linda Carson 1993
Lights up. Gwen is reading a
book. Jason is playing with a
yo-yo. Theresa is off-stage.
PHONE RINGS ONCE.
Gwen answers.
GWEN AS CANDI
Thank you for calling 976-LUST, I'm Candi. What's your
name?
That's a very sexy name, Bruce. I wore something
special for you tonight. Can you guess what it is?
Moves a stack of cards.
That's right, Bruce, I'm wearing a thin white t-shirt
and tight cut-off jeans. Gee, Bruce, I hope you don't
mind, but I forgot to wear any panties.
PHONE RINGS ONCE.
Jason answers.
JASON AS SLATE
Thank you for calling 976-LUST, I'm Slate. What's your
name?
That's a very sexy name, Audrey. I wore something
special for you tonight. Can you guess what it is?
That's right, Audrey, a white tuxedo. I've got a limo
parked right outside, and the driver is very discreet.
PHONE RINGS SEVERAL TIMES.
Theresa enters. Hair in
rollers, wearing bunny
slippers & bathrobe, as she
races for the phone.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Hold your horses!
PHONE RINGS SOME MORE.
Theresa fishes out a crumpled
script as she answers the
phone, but has trouble coming
up to speed.
Hi. I'm --
Desperate for inspiration, she
spots her slippers.
I'm Bunny. Who the hell are you?
Good for you, Patrick. Bet you can't guess what I'm
wearing. Well, you're wrong. It's a terrycloth
bathrobe with peanut butter on the lapel.
Man, you are hard-up.
GWEN AS CANDI
So, Bruce, where would you like to go on our little
date tonight? I'd love to see a drive-in movie in your
van. But my mother told me only bad girls get into a
boy's van. You like bad girls? Now there's a
surprise.
JASON AS SLATE
So, Audrey, where would you like to go on our little
date tonight? Yes, I do have a yacht in the harbour,
but I should warn you. Sailing brings out the pirate
in me. You like pirates? Yo ho ho.
THERESA AS BUNNY
So, Patrick, where would you like to go on our little
date tonight? No, I don't believe I am a member of the
Mile-High Club. Is that downtown?
GWEN AS CANDI
Oh, Bruce, baby, you're making me so hot the windows
are fogging over. Let's go to a motel.
Someplace close by, what difference does it make?
Okay, a Best Western. You have a discount card? Your
financial preparedness makes me wet.
JASON AS SLATE
After the duel, I drag you below deck to my cabin. The
master suite has a big four-poster bed, Audrey. What
does that make you think of? No, it takes standard
king-size sheets. Wench.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Okay, Patrick, let's see if I've got this. You're the
terrorist hijacker and I'm the Scandinavian flight
attendant.
Bad Scandinavian sing-song
accent:
"I would do anyt'ing to save the lives of my passengers
and fellow crew members. Jah."
GWEN AS CANDI
I've been such a naughty naughty girl.
JASON AS SLATE
Now, wench, shiver me timbers.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Bad Scandinavian sing-song
accent:
"Knowing we could die, I find myself strangely
attracted to you."
Patrick, I'm having a little trouble with my motivation
on this.
GWEN AS CANDI
Punish me, punish me!
JASON AS SLATE
Ride me hard, you buxom beauty!
THERESA AS BUNNY
You realize that if you actually fired that gun you
could puncture the fuselage and cause us to lose cabin
pressure?
Yes, that's a bad thing. All the air would be sucked
out of the plane and the oxygen masks would drop from
the little overhead compartments.
You put the elastic around your head and tug firmly on
the tubing to start the oxygen flow. You know,
Patrick, you really should have been paying better
attention during my air safety lecture at the beginning
of the flight.
GWEN AS CANDI
Oh God-oh God-oh God, Bruce!
JASON AS SLATE
Oh God-oh God-oh God, Audrey!
THERESA AS BUNNY
Oh, God, Patrick. I know that concealing your weapon
and synchronizing watches seemed more important at the
time but did you even read the pamphlet in the seat
pouch in front of you? You did not. Did not.
How many exits does a 737 have? Lucky guess. In the
unlikely event of a crash landing at sea, what part of
your seat can serve as a flotation device?
GWEN AS CANDI
Oh God. Cigarette, Bruce?
JASON AS SLATE
Oh God. Cigarette, Audrey?
THERESA AS BUNNY
O-kay, smarty-pants, what's the penalty for disabling
the smoke detectors in the washrooms?
GWEN AS CANDI
You know, Bruce, I feel very close to you right now.
JASON AS SLATE
I don't normally get this involved in a call with a
client.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Referring to her crib notes
again:
I think we just shared something... special.
GWEN AS CANDI, JASON AS SLATE & THERESA AS BUNNY
I'd like to talk to you again real soon.
GWEN AS CANDI
That'd be nice, Bruce.
JASON AS SLATE
Call again, Audrey.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Patrick, get a life.
You're kidding. Well, any afternoon, two to five. Ask
for Bunny.
Lights down.