Lights up.
PHONE RINGS TWO OR THREE TIMES.
Theresa enters on the run,
wrapping her hair in a towel,
wearing bunny slippers and a
bathrobe as she races for the
phone.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Hello?
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
Hello. Is Mrs. Linda Gardner there, please?
THERESA AS BUNNY
Speaking.
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
Hello, Mrs. Gardner, may I call you Linda? Linda, this
is David from Can-o-metrics Research and I'd like to
take just a few minutes of your time to ask --
THERESA AS BUNNY
Interrupting him.
David?
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
Yes, Linda?
THERESA AS BUNNY
David, is this a survey, or a sales pitch?
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
It's a survey, Linda.
THERESA AS BUNNY
You're sure it's a survey? You're sure it's not one of
those pseudo-surveys where you have just a few
questions and they're all about whether I currently
subscribe to Maclean's [*], Flare[*], Chatelaine [*]
and six other popular Canadian periodicals? Because
that's actually a sales pitch, David, and not a survey
at all. And I'd be really disappointed, what with us
being on a first name basis and all, if you told me it
was a survey and it turned out you really wanted to
sell me something.
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
It's a sales pitch, Linda.
THERESA AS BUNNY
That's better, David. Magazines, light bulbs or home
meat delivery?
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
Light bulbs.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Are you really physically handicapped, David, or are
you just feeling a little under the weather?
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
Back spasms, now and then.
THERESA AS BUNNY
I'm sorry to hear that. Are you on commission or paid
by the hour?
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
Commission.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Then I won't take up much of your valuable time. I
have just a few more questions.
Do you work out of your home, are you married, and have
you ever considered the value of truly comprehensive
life insurance coverage?
Pause.
Now, David, do we understand one another?
JASON AS DAVID THE TELEPHONE SOLICITOR
Yes, ma'am.
THERESA AS BUNNY
Good. Tell all your friends. Thanks for calling.
Lights down.
(*) The asterisks are cues to flash the Can-Con meter, which is explained in some detail in the Can-Con Monologue. Short version: this is a flashing sign onstage to alert our visitors from outside Canada that they are now hearing a joke which depends on Canadian content. Humour the nice Canadians; laugh politely or we'll start telling you all about Real Winter, parliamentary democracy, and how we won the War of 1812.