Lacy, Shiny & Ugly

by Linda Carson

from Mr. Right & Other Stories

copyright Linda Carson 1989

                     Lacy, Shiny & Ugly
                              
     (LIGHTS UP ON KATH IN A SALES SMOCK, STANDING BEHIND A
COUNTER. ANDI IS LOOKING AROUND. COLLEEN ENTERS.)

Kath:     Hello. Can I help you?

Andi:     Oh. No, thank you. Just looking.

     (PAUSE.)

Kath:     How can I help you today, ma'am?

Colleen:  I'm looking for a brassiere.

Kath:     For yourself, or is this a gift purchase?

Colleen:  For me.

Kath:     Well, as you see, we have our department divided
          into three aisles: Lacy, Shiny, and, for the full-figure
          girl, Ugly.

Colleen:  Then I'll want something Ugly, please.

Kath:     Follow me.

          Now, something in a sports bra? I have a solid number
          here in white canvas. Flat-fell seams. Rust-proof galvanized
          underwiring and hooks and eyes.

Colleen:  My, doesn't that look sensible.

Kath:     For day wear, we offer this sturdy brassiere of
          modern miracle fabric with only six cup seams, for that
          natural silhouette.

Colleen:  Are you sure that's enough support?

Kath:     That's the joy of it. Look at this secret steel
          reinforcement panel inside the cup. Shaped to conform to
          your fuller figure and never let you down.

Colleen:  Does it come in other colours?

Kath:     There's beige.

Colleen:  That sounds attractive. But I was actually looking
          for a bra for evening wear.

Kath:     Oh, well, let me show you the long-line
          corselette. It features side boning, underwiring and no less
          than forty-five pairs of hooks and eyes for complete
          security.

Colleen:  What an interesting pattern to the cloth.

Kath:     Rip-stop nylon. The very same fabric used in the
          braking parachutes of the space shuttle.

Colleen:  Is that so?

Kath:     We're very proud of the feminine touches.

Colleen:  Where?

Kath:     You see, right there where the straps are rivetted
          to the cups?

Colleen:  Bows! Little tiny bows.

Kath:     To hide the raw edges of the metal. We're very
          safety-conscious.

Colleen:  I can appreciate that.

Kath:     Well, would you like to try something on?

Colleen:  Oh, I don't know. They all look so good. But you
          know, I was actually hoping to see something... strapless.

Kath:     In the Ugly aisle?

Colleen:  With a bit of decolletage...

Kath:     Now, really --

Colleen:  Maybe in... red!

Kath:     I think there's been a mistake here, ma'am. I'm
          going to have to ask you to leave.

Colleen:  What? But...

Kath:     We don't like that kind of talk around here. I'll
          thank you to take your patronage to some other lingerie
          department.

     (JAZZ & RUTH ENTER WEARING POLICE HATS, AND DRAG
COLLEEN AWAY.)

Colleen:  But I just wanted something pretty.

Jazz:     That's how it always starts. Next, you'll be
          wanting underwiring that doesn't leave welts, and then where
          will it all end?

Ruth:     We're just doing our job, ma'am.

     (EXIT COLLEEN, RUTH & JAZZ.)

Kath:     So, have you found anything you like, miss?

Andi:     Well, actually, I was sort of looking for a
          support bra for tennis. There doesn't seem to be anything.

Kath:     At your size? I shouldn't think so. Come down into
          the Lacy aisle here, and I'll show you something in a padded
          cup.

     (LIGHTS DOWN.)