Dit-dit-dit Dah-dah-dah Dit-dit-dit

previous titled "Elizabeth/Regina"

by Linda Carson

copyright Linda Carson 1989

 
          Act I:  Scene 3

          Less than an hour later.  Lights up as 
          ANDREW & ELIZABETH enter a large 
          empty room with at least two doors, 
          ELIZABETH's apartment.  There is a 
          carpet, a lamp and a heap of pillows.  
          ELIZABETH drops her coat by the entrance 
          and steps out of her shoes.

ANDREW
This is...  this is very interesting.  You live here?

ELIZABETH
No, I entertain here.  I live there.
          ELIZABETH gestures beyond door.

ANDREW
Oh, that's--

ELIZABETH
Strictly out of bounds.
          Lights lamp and turns off the general lighting.
Come on in.  Be a gentleman and pretend not to peek.
          Peels off pantihose.  Unhooks a strapless bra 
          under her dress, pulls it out the sleeve and 
          drops it.  Shakes her breasts.
Women's underwear proves our civilization is in decline.

ANDREW
I beg your pardon?

ELIZABETH
You're not peeking, remember?
          Under her skirt she steps out of her lace 
          panties and tosses them to ANDREW.
Tuck these in your pocket so your dry cleaner will remember me.
Can I get you a coffee?
          Picks up both her shoes carefully and exits.

ANDREW
Please.
          Pause.
Elizabeth, what are you doing?

ELIZABETH
Making coffee.

ANDREW
I mean in the larger sense.  What are you doing to me?

ELIZABETH
That depends, Andrew McDougall, on what you're prepared
to do to me.
          Pops her head back in the room.
How tall are you?

ANDREW
About six foot one.

ELIZABETH
Good.
          Exits.

ANDREW
Decaff if you've got it.

ELIZABETH
          From offstage:
Decaffeinated coffee is a filthy habit; I forbid it.
How do you take it?
          Pause.

ANDREW
Black?

ELIZABETH
Sugar, of course.

ANDREW
Of course.
Why don't you have any furniture?

ELIZABETH
I like to fuck standing up.
          Returns with coffee.
And I like to fuck lying down.  Furniture is for
watching television and playing bridge.  
Do you want to watch television?  Coffee.  Hot.

ANDREW
Thanks.  What?  TV?  No.  I mean--

ELIZABETH
Long complete sentences convey composure.  Try to
appear composed at all times.

ANDREW
Dammit!
          Dumps coffee.
That's hot!

ELIZABETH
Didn't I say so?  Get this off quickly.
          Unbuttoning his shirt.
Learn to take everything I say seriously, Andrew
McDougall, or you'll get hurt.  I'll rinse this.
          Exits with ANDREW's shirt.
Want a robe?
          Tosses him an elegant gentleman's robe.
If you take off your pants, I can get that stain before it sets.
          Enters.
Here, let's have them.  I'm not looking.
          ANDREW hands her his pants.  She exits.
Right back.

ANDREW
Do you do this a lot?

ELIZABETH
Hell, no! I am domestic only in moments of crisis.
Normally I send my laundry out, and order all my meals in.

ANDREW
No, I meant bringing--
          ELIZABETH returns.
Bringing a man home and--and arranging things.  Like this.

ELIZABETH
Arranging?
          Sits comfortably.
Did I arrange anything?
You struck up conversation.  You asked to see me again.
You brought me home and saw me to my door.  Then you
asked about my private life and undressed in my living room.
Are you going to seduce me, Andrew McDougall?  I hardly
know what to make of you one minute to the next.

ANDREW
Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, I don't know how to handle you.

ELIZABETH
I love a man who can deliver a straight line.

ANDREW
I wish I understood what was happening here.

ELIZABETH
That doesn't matter.  I understand what's happening here.

ANDREW
Great.  Share it with me then.

ELIZABETH
You don't want that.  Really?  Well, so much for my air of mystery.
Here's what's happening.  Here's exactly what's happening.
          Standing close.
After keeping you off-balance for the latter part of the
evening with outrageous stories and provocative body
language, I'm making alarming advances.
          Sinks to her knees very close to ANDREW.  
          Uncomfortable, he sits down.
You feel threatened, I deny my aggressive intent and
you get defensive.
          Straddling his lap.
Soon I'll disarm you by revealing my vulnerable inner self
and you'll fall for me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

ANDREW
You're serious.

ELIZABETH
Always.  
          Pause.  ANDREW stands abruptly.

ANDREW
I feel threatened all right.  Could we get this over with?

ELIZABETH
And defensive.  Right on schedule.

ANDREW
Dammit, would you cut that out?  So how are you going
to "reveal" your mythic vulnerability?

ELIZABETH
With one look.

ANDREW
Right.

ELIZABETH
I'm always serious, remember.  Now look deep into my eyes.
          Pause.  She looks at him, then away, and 
          then looks directly at him again.

ANDREW
Oh my God, I'm in big trouble.  You're...  Don't look at me like that.

ELIZABETH
All right.

ANDREW
Oh, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean...  Here, come here.
          Holds her.
Look at me.
          Tips her face up.
You can look at me anytime.
It's just a shock, you know.  You're real.  Are you real?
Is this really happening?

ELIZABETH
It isn't any less real because I predicted it.

ANDREW
I'm sorry.

ELIZABETH
This is real.  I'm real.  What you want to know is, am I sincere?
Now you look at me.
Yes.
          Pause.  ANDREW starts to laugh.
Uh-huh?

ANDREW
          Laughing:
Damn you to hell.

ELIZABETH
Problem?

ANDREW
Oh no, no problem.  But if you say "I told you so--"

ELIZABETH
I told you so.  No, no, don't tickle.  Don't!
I take it back, I take it back.  I never said any 
such thing.
I told you so!

          ANDREW kisses her.  Lights down on 
          ANDREW & ELIZABETH embracing.