The Big Penis Sketch

by Linda Carson

from Comedy Under Construction: Cheap Drills & Wing Nuts

copyright L.Carson/J.Gardner/J.McMullen/D.Till, 1994

 
                              Tom, Joe & Harry sitting
                              around watching baseball on
                              TV.  Dick enters.

                            TOM
     Where the hell have you been for the last inning?

                            DICK
     Taking a piss, what's it to you?

                           HARRY
     All inning?

                            DICK
     Well, it takes me a few minutes to unroll the mighty
     tool.

                            JOE
     Yeah, right.  Well, I have a dick twenty-three inches
     long and you don't see me making excuses.

                            DICK
     Well, mine is as big around as a beer bottle.

                           HARRY
     Yeah, well, I have to register mine with the police as
     a deadly weapon.

                              Pause.  All turn and look at
                              Tony expectantly.

                            TOM
     I only have one leg.
                              Pause.
     Oh yeah, had the left one amputated when I hit puberty.

                            DICK
     Oh god, I fitted you for those loafers.

                            TOM
     You have a nice touch.

                            DICK
     Oh oh oh oh oh.

                            JOE
     What about, uh, the rest of it?

                            TOM
     I have no ass at all.
                              Pause.
     Yep.  Gotta a thing so big I can walk with it.
                              Pause.

                           HARRY
     Well, I didn't want to mention it, but I have two.
                              Pause.

                            DICK
     Three.

                            TOM
     Five.

                            JOE
     Naked, I look like a giant sea anemone.
                              Pause.

                           HARRY
     Yeah?  Oh, yeah?  Well, mine have--organs of sight.

     Yeah, yeah, and they've got great night vision.

                            TOM
     Mine are prehensile.  They curl, grip, and flex.

                            JOE
     Mine can drive a car.

                           HARRY
     Cool.  Stick shift?

                            JOE
     Sure thing.
                              Pause.

                            DICK
     Of course, I can come in flavours.
                              Pause.

                            JOE
     Bullshit, man.  You are such a bullshitter.

                           HARRY
     What'd you think, we were born yesterday?

                            DICK
     Sorry.

                            TOM
     Watch the goddamned game.

                            DICK
     Sorry.

                            JOE
     Must think we're some sort of idiots here.
                              Slow fade to blackout.